First Mission

It is finally here! And will remain lonely, I'm afraid until after my finals...gah, finals.... Anyway, please read and enjoy! Comments and concrit are greatly appreciated! In the meantime, this is the NCO in charge signing off! SEMPER HIC!

PPC Marines: (Recorded) Mission 1

“And you’re here, why?”
“Marine business,” Lt. Alexe Kyznetsov said, frowning and adjusting his modified M-1 so the sling did not dig into his shoulder quite so badly.
“I’m sorry, but Sergeant DePaola won’t be having visitors for a day or two,” the nurse said, turning back to the paperwork at her station.
“Fine,” Alexe said, and walked past the station.
“Sir, you can’t go back there!”
Ignoring her protests, Alexe located his sergeant’s bed and walked over. “Still alive, Gunny?”
Kieran opened his eyes. “Sir? Um…yes sir?”
“Good,” Alexe grinned. “Get ready to move, I’m breaking you out.” With that, he walked out of the room.

Kieran sat up, too quickly, he realised as the room spun sickeningly. “You’re what?” he asked faintly, but no answer. He blinked a few times, until the world came somewhat into focus again, and by that time the lieutenant was back, rolling a wheelchair. A very annoyed looking nurse followed him.
“All right, we’ll do it your way, if he can’t get into the wheelchair, he stays,” Alexe said.
Mindful of his injuries, Kieran carefully swung off the bed and touched bare foot to tile floor. He took a single hesitant step before the room began spinning, worse than before. Before he could fall, Alexe picked him up and carried him to the wheelchair.
“That’s not fair!” the nurse protested.
“You never said I couldn’t help him,” Alexe grinned and unslung his M-1. “Here, Gunny. We’re on ThreatCon Mauve. Shoot if it’s close enough to touch.”
“Loose warg alert?” Kieran wasn’t sure he’d heard right.
“That’s Mauve, isn’t it?”
This is all a weird dream, Kieran thought, watching the corridors fly by and people flattening themselves against walls or flinging themselves through doors in attempt to get out of the way of the PPC Marines. They did not see any wargs. Presumably, they had been alerted to the presence of semi-insane Marines and decided that discretion was the better part of valour. Not until they were back in their response center with ‘Semper Hic’ over the door, would Kieran believe that the wild flight had actually taken place.
Once the door was closed and locked securely, Kieran was left more or less to his own devices as Alexe sat again before the ikon of his Authoress. He was going to change into his uniform, but decided against it. Movement of most kinds still hurt. He wheeled himself over to the computer. “Sir?”
“Hm?”
“Did you unplug the sound on this?”
“No, she did,” Alexe said, still distracted.
“Yes, sir.” Kieran started to read their first assignment. He did not even finish the first chapter before a groan escaped him, causing Alexe to look over, concerned.
“Gunny, that’s almost certainly not the sort of thing an invalid should be reading.”
“Sir, this is bad. This is worse than bad, but my brain is quickly shutting down. Grammar is shaky, badly fragmented sentences, inventing words, giving elves non-canon hair and eye colours, changing her species…”
“Let’s see,” Alexe said, pushing Kieran gently but firmly out of the way. “Oh please… I can’t, Sarge, I won’t. I refuse to follow this female as she switches between book and movie verse, through Bree and the wilds. She doesn’t mess with Aragorn’s character enough that he would fail to notice me and I don’t think I could wait until a major canon break before I killed her for annoying me…”
“So record a primary charge list now and finish it up in Rivendell where she joins the fellowship.”
Alexe brightened. “Good idea!”
“So much for MARINE,” Kieran grinned. “I wish I could see you kill her.”
“You’re staying put for a little while at least, Gunny. Maybe we can grab a recruit later, but I think I can get this one myself. I’ll stay in radio contact with you.”
“Sir-”
“I know, I know, it’s not a radio,” Alexe sighed. “Humour me, I’m a would-have-been Band of Brothers Gary Stu.” He picked up his backpack.
“Got everything, sir? CAD?”
“Sound off, check.”
“Portal generator.”
“Check.”
“Disguise generator.”
“Er…check?” Alexe fiddled with it. “I suppose I’ll be an elf.”
“Assorted weapons of choice?”
Alexe grinned. “Definite check.”
“Primary charge list?”
“Just a minute,” Alexe said, turning on a tape-recorder and humming a very mangled rendition of a Russian folktune, stopping occasionally on the worst parts to sigh, groan or hiss through his teeth. “All right,” he said at last when he had finished. “So far I have the following- being a Mary Sue, changing species, creating ‘Barrow Wrights’, causing everyone to speak English, singing modern songs while in Middle-earth, bringing future knowledge to Middle-earth, mixing movie and bookverse, having hobbits using modern jargon, employing melodramatics, causing an original character to have an unbearably beautiful voice, threatening Aragorn…” he sighed. “Almost forgot- wearing a pink ‘hoddie’ in the Prancing Pony- that has to be a crime against fashion and good sense, taking a hit for the Fellowship to gain trust and sympathy, annoying me by existing, and anything I’ve missed.” He turned off the tape-recorder. “Anything else?”
“CD player with painfully loud music in case of emergencies.”
“Check. I think that’s nearly everything. I packed a few extra things just in case,” Alexe said, hefting his backpack. It clinked ominously. “Wish me luck.”
“Luck,” Kieran said and turned on his ‘radio’.
Alexe saluted his ikon, then hit his portal generator until the portal materialised, stepped through and vanished from sight.

He found himself by the ford, in time to see the Sue blending movie-verse and book-verse, in that she was riding Glorfindel’s horse and replacing Arwen.

[i]She could see the dark minions clearly now, their swords were held ready in hand, their cold eyes glittered as they called in fell voices. The elf- horse sped on as if on wings, passed right before the face of the foremost rider. [/i]

“Almost had a messy collision right there,” Alexe observed, unnoticed by the Sue.

[i]Frodo heard a splash of water; both hobbit and elf felt the horse heave as it passed through the river and up the stony bank on yonder side. They were across the Ford. But the pursuers were close behind. At the top of the bank the white horse halted and turned neighing fiercely.There were nine riders at the water’s edge below. The dark horses reluctant to enter the foaming waters reared and screeched in protest. Tossing dark heads, rolling blood shot eyes. Then the lead Wraith spurred his horse forward. It checked at the water and reared up. With great effort Frodo sat upright and brandished his sword. [/i]

“Lacking common comma where needed,” Alexe noted. “Fragmented sentence. And what's with the 'yonder side'? Stupid Sue, stupid author...”

[i]“Go back!” the hobbit yelled, “Go back to the land of Mordor, and follow me no more!”His voice was shrill and sounded weak to his own ears, Clare notched an arrow in her bow and aimed at the nazgul who were now crossing the river. The arrow whizzed forth with little accuracy, and this time she knew where the best target would be. The shaft embedded itself in one of the dark horse's chest by sheer luck. It reared in pain and protest, screeching and trying in vain to buck its rider.
“The ring...the ring..” they hissed and came steadily closer.Then Asfaloth the elf-horse reared and snorted as the first of the black riders set foot on shore. At that moment there came a roaring and a rushing: a noise of loud waters rolling many stones. The river below rose and down along its course came a cavalry of waves.[/i]

“More missing commas.”

[i]The black riders were overwhelmed, horses swept off their feet thrashed in the sundering tides. The remaining black horses on the far bank were filled with madness, and leapt forward in terror they bore their riders into the rushing flood. Their piercing cries were drowned in the roaring of the river as it carried them away.Then Frodo dropped his sword, exhaustion taking over he fell from the saddle. Clare fumbled to catch him in her weakened state and fell also. The white elf-mount reared in fright dashing off and back to the elven city, its destination to begin with. Frodo lay unmoving, his breathing labored. Clare crawled over to his side; taking the frail body in her arms she hugged him tightly. [/i]

“So Asfaloth endures the terror of the existence of the Black Riders, only to run away as his passengers fall off. Sure.” Alexe looked at the ‘elven city’ which suddenly bore a striking resemblance to Gondolin in miniature. He rummaged for his camera and took a picture.

[i]“No Frodo, no...no. Don’t give in. Not now, please, no.”Her voice was quiet, tears fell down her cheeks. She choked on her sobs and cradled the frail body before setting it down.“No Frodo....”Her head felt heavy, but light headed at the same time, her face fell pale. Clare clutched at her stomach wound as it was taken by searing pain. She gasped for air, her breathing ragged. Then she collapsed, she heard and saw no more...darkness took her. [/i]

“Stealing Arwen’s lines and annoying me no end,” Alexe noted and portaled to the ‘elven city’. He watched the elven delegation appear and Legolas wander off to the ‘healing wing’ that suddenly attached itself to the Last Homely House which was also a city. He shrugged. Sue logic. He portalled to the hallway outside the room the Sue shared with Frodo. “Gandalf won’t notice me, Frodo won’t notice me- she will,” he mused. Then he smiled. Where is the nearest supply closet?

No one pays any attention to some guy with a broom, Alexe thought happily. He had pilfered Kieran’s bookshelf for reading material on more than one occasion and while he sometimes found Terry Pratchett’s books difficult to understand, sometimes they were just right.
The Sue was just waking up, being ‘heroic’ in her efforts to go see Frodo, and Alexe found he was not even noticed as he swept- rather badly- in a corner of the room that was described as ‘airy’ and left at that. It looked like the movie-verse version of Frodo’s room in Rivendell, but larger to accommodate the Sue and her bed.
“Blatantly ignoring elven custom and sharing a room with Frodo,” Alexe noted, speaking in Russian, which was ‘elvish’ for all the Sue knew as everyone else was speaking English. That one was slightly subjective but he was firmly convinced that in-character Rivendell elves would have given her a different room. “Also, Sam is nowhere in sight- ‘He has hardly left your side’? Oh, bookverse doesn’t count, right?”
Gandalf crossed the room to assist Clare as she tried to get out of bed.

[i]“Gandalf?” she whispered in awe. The grey wizard was quite taken back by the elf-maiden knowing his name, his bushy brows raised, he smiled broadly. [/i]

Alexe aimed his CAD at Gandalf. [Gandalf. Maia. Canon Character OOC: 45.34] He sighed and continued his pretence of sweeping as Gandalf was suitably impressed by the Sue and complimented her and was generally OOC. Finally the Sue went to sleep. Alexe added ‘using the term ‘she-elf’’ one of his greatest pet peeves, to the charge list and watched as Gandalf mumbled ‘Most unusual’ and returned to Frodo’s bedside. Alexe frowned thoughtfully and tried the CAD again [Gandalf. Maia. Canon Character OOC: 31.6 and falling]. “Good for you!” Alexe smiled.
After a little while, Gandalf left. The Sue would not be doing much for a while, until she bumped into Legolas, just sleeping, then admiring her beautiful clothes and beautiful self. Disgusted, Alexe took up station outside the door with a hardback copy of the Silmarillion and began to read. When the Sue finally decided to leave, Alexe followed her, wincing at the bad grammar. Then the Sue collided with Legolas, who, after saving her from falling, looked… Alexe closed his eyes and pointed the CAD at the elven prince. It was a moment before he could bring himself to look at it. [Legolas Male Elf Canon Character OOC: 65.36]

[i]The Prince of Mirkwood watched until the elf-maiden was out of sight then he sighed and lent against the wall. He placed one hand to his forehead. “Now I’m delirious, I swear I just saw Silaerwen. Oh it’s got to be my mind playing tricks.” He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before walking back down the hall. [/i]

Legolas completely ignored the strange elf who was shouting something incomprehensible at him and brandishing a book in a surprisingly threatening manner.

“Sir? If you can hear me, say something. Over.”
Alexe took a deep breath and steadied himself. It had been quite some time since he had exploded over such a fairly minor incident as incidents went.
“Again, if you can hear me, say something. Over.”
Slowly he reached for the radio. “One to Base, something. Over.”
“How goes things? Over.”
“I narrowly stopped myself from exorcising a character who wasn’t possessed to the appropriate degree. Over.”
“Oh. It gets better. Over.”
“In which sense? Over.”
Silence.
Alexe sighed. “Do I want to look at the words? Over.”
“No, sir, you probably don’t. Over.”
“I’ll take your word for it, Base. Anything else? Over.”
“They caught the warg. Over.”
“Oh. That’s nice. I’m going to go see how badly the Sue trashes the council. Over.”
“Good luck. Over.”
Alexe managed to find a fairly safe corner of the ‘secluded courtyard’ that was otherwise undescribed and listened.

[i]It was the morning of the day of the Council. Men, Dwarves and Elves alike assembled in a secluded courtyard. [/i]

Alexe watched Frodo and Bilbo disappear from their seats as the author failed to mention hobbits, then Frodo reappeared but Bilbo did not.

[i]“Bring forth the ring, Frodo”
Clare patted the Ring Bearer’s shoulder as he stood in a comforting manner. Silence fell over party present. Frodo placed the ring on a stone pedestal in the middle of the circle of attendants. Every eye was transfixed on the golden ring. Clare hardly noticed Frodo as he sat down beside her. The golden band was intriguing indeed but there was a difference between the way Clare saw it and everyone else. [/i]

“Bad grammar, how do you stand in a ‘comforting manner’? Also being ‘holier than thou’,” Alexe noted, then a few moments later noted Boromir’s mangled lines.

[i]“You cannot wield it. None of us can” Aragorn interrupted and stood also. “The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master”
“And what would a ranger know of this matter?” the man retorted with a sneer.
Clare was fed up with this man’s attitude; she stood and stepped forward with determination. “This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance” Clare said matter-of-factly motioning towards Aragorn with one hand. All eyes turned to her; even Lord Elrond was amazed at her knowledge. [/i]

“Stealing lines from Legolas,” Alexe muttered. “With no originality whatsoever.”

[i]”You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed” The lord of Rivendell said and stood tall.”Then what are we waiting for?” came a grim voice from where the Dwarves sat. Before anyone could stop him, the red bearded dwarf picked up his axe and brought it down upon the ring. Frodo winced and squeezed Clare’s hand, the elf-maiden stifled a giggle as the attacking dwarf’s axe shattered and he fell back. [/i]

“More missing punctuation. Laughing at Gimli. A-ha. A-ha. So funny, Sue,” Alexe frowned. It was going to get worse, he was sure. It didn’t for a little while, Elrond said his lines about destroying the ring, Boromir got his about the folly of it, and both were slightly mangled, but survivable. The council degenerated into argument as per the movie, almost if not, word for word.

[i]The hobbit strode towards the pedestal trying to get everyone’s attention he yelled. “I will take it!”The arguing continued, Clare quickly joined Frodo and placed a hand on his shoulder. She was fuming inside; of course when she watched the movie this scene was quite funny...but not now. ‘How dare they not listen to this brave hobbit’ her mind was screaming within her. She gathered all her self-control preparing for the mother of all shouts.
“SHUT UP! YOU JERKS! THE HOBBIT HAS SOMETHING TO SAY” [/i]

Alexe’s pencil snapped into three pieces. “No more,” he whispered, ignoring the evil looking 'mother of all shouts' who had suddenly incarnated.

“NO, YOU SHUT UP!”

All heads turned to see a wild-looking elf storm into the semi-circle of the council, wielding a strange looking weapon.
“Clare, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, also, with everything on this tape!” Alexe shouted, displaying it for a moment before shoving it into a pocket. “Also with having terrible grammar, stealing lines left and right, turning Rivendell into an elven city, adding a healing wing to the Last Homely House, blatantly ignoring elven custom and sharing a room with Frodo-”
Alexe stopped. The Sue looked annoyed that she was being upstaged, but did not look like she understood a word he had…said… He sighed and forced himself to think in English again. “-being a ‘she-elf’, causing Bilbo to disappear, being ‘holier than thou’, being a rude brat, and intending to join the fellowship! Also anything I’ve forgotten! You have no rights and are not allowed any last words!” He brought the modified M-1 to bear and hit his target, a right lung shot. He fumbled for the neuralizer and covered his eyes before the flash. “Frodo has just agreed to take the ring. Be nice to him,” he said. He opened the portal and dragged the Sue through it.
“‘See Scenic Angband’. До свидания, идиот, ” Alexe smiled, depositing the Sue and stepping back through the portal, this time to Response Centre 266.